one41

have you ever drank blood? i do it all the time.  lambs blood. tigers blood. bears blood.  you name it. no human blood. that would be weird.  unless it was a direct line, then id do it for sure.  they all have a different kind of consistency and flavor, but its always something familiar and similar.  consistent consistency.  There is something... empowering about it.  it gives me strength.  peace.  like i am one with the universe.  we are all connected.  i drink it before i work out for energy.  for strength.  i find myself in the gym walking from machine to machine, slowly, stalking my prey.  wondering how i will attack and who will win.  talking to myself, talking to the machine.  tunnel vision sets in and my mind becomes quiet.  i begin to count.  its like the chase.  im pursuing my prey, ready to kill.  i need to feed.  then my body becomes one with the machine as we move together. fluid motion, synchronized, steady. now my eyes are closed and my breathing is labored.  my eyes sting with sweat and my body begins to ache.  i know im almost there.  silence now. i bite my lip.  and there it is.  that old familiar taste.  coppery, bitter, warm.  my direct line.  have i become the walking dead.  am i the living dead.  if so, you people are fucked, because i am one fit zombie.  i can't believe they sell this stuff at GNC.

140

Either i am walking in circles or the apartment is spinning.  and that beeping noise. that beeping noise.  is it real or is it in my head. really in my head.  beeping so loudly its coming out my ears. now my mouth. i am spinning and beeping and spinning and beeping... i am a siren.  This is my song.  Beep.  Beep.     Beep.      i wonder whom i will catch with my siren call.  Not many sailors in these parts.  land locked and all.  and all this land is locked.  Don't go here.  Don't go there.  Don't go.  Don't leave me here beeping and spinning and siren-ing.  I've never been a siren before!  I have no idea what i'm doing! shouldn't somebody with more training or education be doing this job.  What am i even a siren for.  Or to? shit shit shit.  who knew being a siren was so hard!?!  Siren anxiety.  Then, just like that, my spell is broken.  The beeping stops and so do my feet.  Standing, pants-less in the middle of my living room, running shoes untied, motionless.  Somebody has turned me off and im me again.  I feel tired and weak.  my mouth taste like purple and my tongue is swollen and dry and my lips are chapped.  I am down.  And out.  I look at the clock.  Six hours i have been pacing my apartment beeping.  Six hours.  I am the living dead.

day139

Benny kept asking me to stop breathing his air last night. I tried to tell him it was ours to share but he insisted i was stealing his. That his was more important than mine because he could convert CO2 back into oxygen. I then blew smoke in his face and told him to make like a tree. How a forest began to grow in my apartment is beyond me. A few seeds and some spilled water turned into a jungle and now i struggle to see the forest for the trees. My perspective has changed so dramatically i start to wonder if i have become a tree myself. i check my feet for roots and hands for limbs and notice ive started to sprout leaves. I try to step back and lift my feet from the ground but im anchored. The jets. Ba-ba-ba-benny and the jets. Once my friend, i trusted him and he betrayed me. While i slept he grew slowly, knowing i wouldn't notice a inch at a time. Before i had time to stop him, it was too late. It is too late and i wonder if i have the strength to cut off one of my own limbs. Betrayed by my friend. If i had an ax id chop him down. If i had an axe id chop myself free. If i had an axel id be a car. If i had an axis id be round. And if i weren't a tree i wouldn't be stuck in the ground. Is it cannibalism to smoke weed?

Day 138

The angle of death came to visit me in my sleep and promised me three times. i fear i know what comes next. Its the fear known that i know now that will never change. I try to move but the waves are too strong. The floor is like a lake, water up to my neck. The kitchen is a blur of pots and pans and pot and pants and plots of plants and i really should have just ordered out. or in. or in and out. and over and under. I am down and out, like jonah...but he survived so then why can't eye. i go under water to look for my car keys but find only kelp and dirty cash floating around my underwater home afloat above the ground. Am i sinking? Am i floating? I can't kind find my way up and i can't find my way out. I realize i've been under water now for days. My hands have webbed but I still can't find my keys. I guess i won't go into work today, not like this, not as a fish. this is my water grave. buried at sea. noble.

memoirs of a madman day 137

i wake up from a heavy sleep that feels like i maybe died and am now rising from the dead. the pool of drugs laying out is looking more like abstract art and i realize i can't even remember which ones i did last night. i have something written on my arm in what looks to be latin and i have on one shoe, underwear i don't recognize and a beanie. i must have been cold last night. i attempt to stand but fall hard on my knees. i feel nothing. this does not surprise me. my second attempt goes much better than my first and i am on my feet. the apartment smells like a horse. i feel like a centaur. I open the blinds and shutter in fear as i see that the sky has begun to fall. i step back to try and gather my thoughts. how could i let this happen!? how long have i been dead?! am i even alive?! maybe the sky hasn't fallen at all. maybe im a giant? surely its just as good an option as the sky falling. I step back to my window and touch the glass and it bends where i press and it feels like ice. i look at my hand in amazement as my own hand begins to turn to ice. i pull it off quickly and shake off the ice. "Good thinking" i tell myself. And its at that moment in time i realize i can trust no one. The world has turned and left me here, i am on my own. i look down at my hoof feet and raise my head high, the gods are challenging me and i will answer.

memoirs of a madman day 136

The walls of my apartment close in on me fast and heavy, like my breath. They bend and break and steal my air. They bleed the dull white blood of the unicorns i brutally murdered to paint them with. My head swims with drunken fish, eating away at my brain until i loose motor function and cohesive thought. I will be dead soon. I will be dead soon. Iwi ll be deed snoon. Iwillb edea dsoo n. iwlbdadson...

The walls are trying to crush me and they wait for me to turn my back on them. i am helpless to their attacks. They are full of vengeance and fury for they are out for revenge for the holes i put in them and their friends. I plead for mercy. I plea for mercy, i pray for mercy to no one at all. I ask for forgiveness, but they hear nothing of it. It is time to face my destiney, to accept my fate.

Eaten alive by my own apartment. I will be remember forever for what has happened here today and my greatness and for what i accomplished here in this god forsaken place. Take me death, if you dare, i am ready...